As an Adult I do not Squeal at Snakes or Cockroaches: A Total Lie

What started out as a simple walk to the post office in 90 degree weather, turned into a frightened squealing scene when, approximately ten steps outside my front door, I almost stepped on a snake.

                                           He was going to eat me!...or perhaps a small mouse.


When I was little I had a similar panicked, screechy reaction to snakes that weren't in tanks, but it was the kind of thing that I'd hoped had passed as I'd become an adult. I am, after all, responsible for protecting Brynn from dangers of the wild like this harmless garden snake. Brynn wasn't with me though, so I did what any other 30 year old who just regressed to kindergarten would do...I called my dad.

As a 5 year old, calling my dad would've involved screaming at the top of my lungs, then through tears, until someone came to rescue me. Thankfully for the neighbors and my pride I had my cell phone handy. Plus my dad lives several miles away now. He remained cool and calm while I squealed (twice) that "THERE'S A SNAKE IN THE FRONT YARD!!!" Ultimately I just walked around the slithering menace and on to the (closed) post office. When I returned home, he was gone.

This has brought a disturbing trend to my attention though. When faced with the few irrational fears I have (wild snakes, giant wild spiders, and anything that looks even remotely like a cockroach) I do two things (1) freeze in an ill advised state of paralysis and (2) call a man. In the past I've called my dad from over 700 miles away so he could "help" me kill the huge banana spider that had re-located its massive web so as to entirely block access to my laundry room. Just a month or so ago I killed a two inch long flying roach-like bug that had snuck in my bedroom from the back patio door. I had to phone a friend so I could talk myself into picking up the carcass to throw it outside. Once, several years ago now, I encountered a couple dozen cockroaches at the bottom of an outdoor set of stairs and called my then-boyfriend in such hysterics that he couldn't understand me at all and was afraid I'd been in a terrible accident. I just can't help it. Some part of me is in utter terror at those moments. At any other moment of the day I'm a mature self-sufficient woman who doesn't need a man to do things for her. In those moments when I'm face to face (or better, face to beady little eyes) with one of these creatures though, all I can say is "AAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH!!!" So Brynn, I promise to save you from the snakes and the roaches, but you'll have to forgive me for having a panic attack while I do it. What I'll never let you know is that my next move is to call ~a man~.