Inflatable Me

"Claire. It's a family name."
"It's a fat girl's name"
"I'm not fat."
"Well not at present, but I can see you really pushing maximum density. See I'm not sure if you know this, but there are two kinds of fat people: there's fat people that were born to be fat, and there's fat people that were once thin but they became fat, so when you look at 'em you can sorta see that thin person inside."


Don't get me wrong. I'm not invoking The Breakfast Club trying to imply that I've ever been thin. I haven't. Two very loving grandparents and Little Debbie collaborated to be sure I was always kind of a plump kid. (Mmmm...oatmeal creme pies).

This quote has seemed so relevant to me over the past few weeks because what I didn't realize is that steroids are apparently what can push a person just past maximum density and make them explode. Seemingly overnight I went from looking like me, to looking like movie me in a fat suit! My face did anyway, and I guess that's more make-up than a fat suit, but you get the idea. Do you remember when Inspector Gadget would shout "Go, go gadget coat!" and (eventually) his little trench coat would *POOF* out into a balloon? That's what happened...to my neck and cheeks.

I'd been forewarned. Dr. Essell told me I might see "some" swelling in my face. Of course at that point the GvH was so bad he could have told me that the steroids were going to cause my hair to grow back plaid and I'd have totally taken them anyway. "Some" doesn't really cover it though. I started describing it to people as my face turning into a pumpkin shape. A quick internet search revealed that this condition is informally called "moon face" and rightfully so, my features now float in a tiny space of my inflated face just like the man in the moon.

It's odd because the rest of my body hasn't really changed, or if it has I'm actually a little slimmer (this assessment based on how often I'm required to wear a belt with pants). You'd think, or I did, that if steroids made you "bulk up" it would be all over, not in one small region. I should be careful what I say though...I hear there's also a phenomenon called "apple belly" and I have no desire to find out what that's about. Having a 400lb head on a 165lb body will have to be my style for now.

I've been really self-conscious about the whole thing too. I try to warn people before they see me in person and I've refrained from taking many pictures (more or less posting them on facebook!) But I've decided since this is part of the process of getting better, I'd share it. Plus I realized I can't avoid the whole world until I deflate. Eventually my face will return to normal, but my steroid dose is at 25mg, we're only going down by 5mg each week, my GvH already seems to be flaring up, and facial shrinking apparently doesn't even *begin* until I'm under 10mg...and it's a long process. So maybe by Christmas I'll not look like a bald, clean shaven Santa?

In the meantime, "Go, go double chin!"