Over the Hill

 Today is my 40th birthday. I know many people dread this milestone, seeing it as almost an official welcome to being "old." No number of "50 is the new 40" articles seem to help. Forty is over the hill and, for some, the other side of the hill is depressing. And I get that. Forty marks starting up your routine maintenance if you haven't already. Colonoscopies, mammograms, and full body skin checks. Oh my! And I think even the healthiest of us have noticed that our bodies are a little creakier and our memory a little worse. We're getting older, no denying that. The 40th birthday just seems to call attention to it in a way the bums folks out.

But for me? I'm elated! I feel like I reached a stretch goal. 

I was 27 when I was diagnosed with cancer. Back then I spent some time thinking about the phrase "over the hill" and how it's synonymous with 40 but really meant to mean that we've lived half our lifespan. If we each get about 80 years, then halfway there is 40 and that's when we cross over the top of the hill. But looking at a cancer diagnosis at 27, and then rediagnosis after rediagnosis, you start to realize that you probably won't get 80 years.

When was my over the hill moment, I wondered? It was possible back then that I'd been over the hill at 13. Could I really have lived half of my entire life before I'd had my first kiss? Before I could drive? Before I graduated high school? I felt so robbed. People were getting sad about turning 40, but what if I never got to?

My deepest wish for my lifespan was to get to see Brynn graduate high school. I figured anything after that was gravy. Don't get me wrong. I want LOTS of gravy. But I *needed* to make it until Brynn was a legal adult and there wouldn't be a custody struggle and I *wanted* to see her graduate. We fought a lot of tough battles to get there, but I made it. After graduation each new thing has seemed like a gift. Dropping Brynn off at college. Even navigating this pandemic. And now, turning 40.

I did it. I got old. (Though we all know we're way better at life at 40 than we were when we were in our 20s and just doing the fake-it-til-you-make-it routine). Now I want my hair to get greys so I can dye them lilac. I already crochet and have osteoporosis, so I have some of my "old" bases covered. Senior discounts are still firmly out of reach, but maybe that can be my next stretch goal. Until then I'm going to work puzzles, and crochet hats, and watch my programs. 

In the mean time, I want to encourage everyone who's read this far to write out a will. That's right, get yourself something for my birthday. We all hope we'll live a long and relatively healthy life, but the truth of the matter is that some of us are already over the hill... we just don't know it yet. A will is so important (and power of attorney documents are smart too). I think we all have a tendency to think, "Oh yeah, I need to get around to doing that." But this is your sign. Quit procrastinating. You can go formal and get a lawyer. You can DIY it and get books from the library. You can write something out on college ruled notebook paper and take it to your bank to be notarized (for free!). But please PLEASE write out something and let people know where it'll be. Each of us is travelling a different hill, and we need to be prepared if the top of the hill was way sooner than we thought. 

(Sorry to end on sort of a low note, but trust me, it's a gift to your friends and family if you have a will. I love birthdays and gifts, so it all ties together). 

Mail Call!: A Plea for Letters, Cards, and Other Forms of USPS Love

As many of you are aware, I'll be checking into Jewish Hospital in Cincinnati for a second stem cell transplant on April 11, 2012 to try to kick this latest recurrence of Hodgkin's Lymphoma (and to keep it at bay for good!) The transplant process itself is simple, but the preparation and especially the recovery are much, MUCH longer processes. In all my stay will be 3 weeks at the very *minimum* and could stretch out as long as 12 weeks. It's a difficult time, as I will not be allowed to leave the transplant unit (my room and 2 short hallways). Frequently people are quarantined to their rooms, which happened to me during my first transplant. "Stir crazy" and "cabin fever" don't even begin to describe it. What's worse is that Brynn will not be allowed to visit me the entire time I'm in the hospital since the rules of the unit require visitors to be 14 years old. She'll celebrate her 11th birthday without me, since I'll be in the hospital. I missed Christmas with her during my first transplant. We skype, but it's not the same.

And so, I've decided to ask a favor.

Two favors actually.

First, I would love for everyone to send Brynn a birthday card. Her birthday is at the beginning of May, but you can send a card anytime between now and then and I'll hold onto them for her until the big day. A belated card or two would be fine as well. Who doesn't love for their birthday to stretch on for a few days afterwards? For friends who would like to send Brynn a little something, she likes art supplies, journals, fun writing utensils (like gel pens and clicky pencils that click on the side not the top), hair accessories, and anything having to do with fashion design. She loves books, music, and clothes too, but she's a lot pickier about those! Must be a tween thing. Again though, I'm just asking for folks to flood her with birthday wishes (in card, letter, or postcard form), no gifts required or even requested.

Those can be sent to:
Brynn Ensminger
P.O. Box 598
Burlington, KY 41005

The second favor is similar, but more selfish. I'd like you to send *me* cards and packages. Days in the hospital are monotonous and the room itself is unexciting and impersonal. Mostly my stay is just a waiting game. My donor's stem cells will take some time to get into my marrow and create a new immune system for me. In the interim I have to hang out at the hospital and, let's face it, a person can only check facebook so many times a day (though I'm entirely unwilling to admit how many times that is). So entertain me! Here are some things I think it would be fun to get:
- a fun postcard from where you're from to hang up in my room
- any sort of card (get well and encouragement are great, but creative and funny cards are more than welcome too!)
- letters (same as with cards, I'd love anything from encouragement to snarkiness)
- a copy of your favorite cd or a mix cd of your favorite songs (go on, expand my horizons)
- your favorite book (unless your favorite book is Homi Bhabha's The Location of Culture)
- fun activity books, like logic puzzles, sudoku, etc.
- small decorations to put around the room. I don't have much counter space, but I have a bit and I can hang things
- your favorite movie (I believe the room has both a VHS and a DVD player). Movie recommendations from Netflix are great too!
- anything else a person can do when confined to a single room for 3-12 weeks. Be creative!

There are a few restrictions though, for health purposes. Please DON'T send:
- any plant materials, including live or dried flowers
- homecooked foods. This one really hurts. I loved baked goods, but I'm only allowed to eat foods that are ordered off the hospital's menu or food that is individually packaged and sealed (like frozen dinners, cans of soup, or small bags of chips/cookies).
- germs. Please wait to send stuff if you or a family member have the plague.

My address at the hospital (starting April 11th) is:
Shawntel Ensminger
c/o Bone & Marrow Transplant Center
4777 E. Galbraith Rd.
Cincinnati, OH 45236

If any cards or packages arrive after I've been discharged the hospital will forward those to me at home, so don't worry about my check out date (though you'll be sure to hear about that on the blog!)Every single card and letter will be appreciated so much!

A few of the cards and decorations from transplant 1.0

Also, feel free to share this entry with others. The more cards, letters, and well wishers, the better!